Learn that life is not all there is, death is a part of living. Your first loss
Finding support from within your Family
Giving support within your family Honor
Your own death
Questions Author Mary Ellen ^I^ "Angel Scribe" www.Angelscribe.com
Most feel they are to live forever . . . that life is a permanent state. Once they encounter their first death of a parent, friend or relative . . . it is quite a shock.
The shock is that life, after all, is not permanent and that there is a truth about death. The next phase of shock is the realization that we therefore are not permanent and also one day will leave the earth.
This is quite an awakening to people. A death of a Loved one, can begin their search into who and what they are . . . and why they are Here. This is a growth time.
Questions begin to arise, one right after another, such as; What is my purpose? Why was I born to this family? Do I have a mission and am I on it? Is there life after life? Is there a God/Power greater than us all? Is there a Hell or is it time on earth that is the true Hell?
With each question one begins to form who they truly are. The answers to the questions can strengthen your character as you discover a purpose . . . and start to move forward in it . . . as you now realize how precious/important time is.
You may start to seek quiet time and become more familiar with who you indeed are. And, then learn in this quiet time that you discover more of you and that you can receive a higher guidance.
The death of a Loved one may be a release to them from their pain/misery/suffering . . . but to you it could lead to a richer and fuller life ,as you begin to realize the true value of life and your purpose in life.
Take each moment for granted and you have not appreciated the gift of life.
Appreciate each moment and on your death bed you will rejoice in a life well spent and enjoyed . . . for you enjoyed each moment with a greater richness. Amen.
*
"QUESTIONS" is included in my booklet " Words of Wisdom, From the Light." It is in Tacoma's Pierce County Library.
* * * * *
NOTE:
I have read IGNATIA, a Homeopathic remedy, (available at Health food stores) is wonderful to take the shattered feeling from those suffering from grief and interrupted sleep patterns.
* * * * *
Forgiving Others - Dr. Phil McGraw
Forgiveness means to say 'I will not hate you any more.'
You don't need to be controlled by that any more.' Remember Life Law #7: "Life is managed, not cured.". It's a step you have to take every day.
Ask yourself: What would happen if you forgave him, and forgave yourself for not being enough? Forgiveness is about you. It's about you withdrawing your feelings and not being locked in a bond of hatred. Questions of right and wrong have nothing to do with it. If we make fairness a basis for forgiveness, we're going to be at war with the people in our lives for the rest of our lives. Is the other person worth it?
Remember: Anger changes who you are, and it can absolutely define who you are. Anger is such a strong and destructive emotion it can dominate every action, every exchange with people in your life. Any time you see someone carrying anger, it's nothing more than an outward sign of hurt, fear or frustration. Forgiveness can help you release the anger, and bring those in your life closer to you.
The stages of grief
Dr. Phil McGraw is a psychologist and life strategist who helps individuals take a new direction in life by encouraging them to take a fresh look at themselves.
Dr. Phil's Five Coping Skills for the Death of Loved One
1. Accept the truth.
2. Know that you're accountable for what you do following the loss.
3. Celebrate the life of the person you've lost.
4. Find some meaning in your life after your loss.
5. Move toward something that gives you a purpose.
These five steps are at the core of "behaving your way through" the pain that follows the death of a loved one. To everyone who is struggling with a loss of this kind, Dr. Phil recommends not waiting until you feel you're ready. "If you wait until you want to," He told one audience member, "you'll never do it."
Experience with Grief
A healer of grief. To share my personal experience with others so my strength will ease their pain. I was an adopted child of three days. My adopted parents were in their forties when I was adopted. My mother passed from Cancer in 1980 when I was 26 years of age. When I was thirty seven my father passed from stroke and vascular illness. I married at age 22 in 1976 and had two children. 1997 my 15 year old son was killed instantly by a 25 yr. old hit and run drunk driver. Five months later my birthmother passed. Eighteen months after my son was killed his father, my spouse of 22 years died of brain and intestinal Cancer. Although it wasn't the Cancer that ended his life, it was the doctors who ordered physical therapy on his leg that had surgery on it twelve hours before. They told me he would die of a blood clot to his lung and after pushing it to his lung, he died within two hours. Less than two months later our first grandchild was born, so I am grateful that my husband had that time in spirit with my grandson to give him all the wisdom he needed to carry on in his new life! e. I have a couple of poems to share with everyone. I learned to write poetry in College just after my son was killed. I actually was not taught how, it was an assignment without direction. While sitting in my dorm room the words just flowed from my pen. This first poem "Remember Me" is engraved on my sons headstone along with his picture.
"Remember Me" Copyright 1998 by Deborah Mathews
Don't cry for me, because I've passed,
I've just gone home--my sorrows passed.
It's wonderful to finally see,
The world at view, a sight to see.
I only came to stay a while,
To learn the things that were worthwhile.
I learned of love, I learned of hate, I learned of fear, as one must taste. One day you will, you'll understand,
The reason why we live and die.
The choice was mine and mine along, the choice to perfect my everlasting soul.
We know it's hard, it's supposed to be,
That's why God sent us, you and me. If he believed we could not survive,
He never would have thought it twice.
The timing was right, please understand,
I was well prepared way in advance.
I'll be there, just wait and see,
When you need me the most, just call on me.
I come and go, you might not know,
We want you to know, you're never alone.
When you visit the grave, we're at your side,
And when you leave, we also retrieve.
The goal in life you set for your soul,
Will be easier to attain if you believe in the soul.
Each day in life when you cry out "Why?"
Remember the goal in soul's quest for strength.
The knowledge you gain from life's good and bad,
Your soul will shine just knowing so.
Just do what's right in your heart and mind,
And others will learn from your shining soul.
Remember to love, that's what life's made of,
Life's test of strength is all based on Love.
It matters not what color you are,
The real test of soul is what your heart is made of.
"My Soul"
Copyright 1998 by Deborah Mathews
Through the dew of the evening, my soul slips through.
To see how you're doing and to say, I LOVE YOU!
I miss the whole family, I wish it weren't true.
But mistakes I did make, I know now how true.
If only I'd listened to your sound advice,
I'd be enjoying the cool summer nights.
I couldn't go home, yet, too much pain,
I needed to know you'd be fine, please refrain.
It wasn't that instant that I went through the light,
I hung around, you know, just to keep you insight.
I moved a few things and turned off the lights,
Just to remind you, I'm still part of your light.
I stay by your side, through the day and the night,
In twilight, feel the cool breeze, against your face oh so tight.
Just listen real quietly to the soft spoken voice,
The voice of the leaves, in the mist of the night.
A twinge in your shoulder that you thought, "What was that"?
And the phone that rings, when you answer, "Who was that"?
The picture that fell on your back as you cried,
And wept for my soul to come back to your side.
I too cried to see you in pain,
It had only been six hours since three.
When you awake from nine to three,
These are the hours to see and think of me.
I wanted to stay as long as need be,
But your strength told me to go home you'd see me.
I listened to your voice at night,
Telling me to go to the light.
As I sent that night, through the light,
I was promised that I'd never forget your sight.
That I could visit from time to time,
To be by your side when you need some light.
Many were there, even those I'd not met,
To help me over and ease my fright.
Now that I'm here, I understand why,
My role on your plane was so testing to my soul.
My priorities are straight, I have many things to do,
Some take our advice and listen to their heart,
Intuition as you call it, just trying to do what's right.
Recipe for Learning
John Gray, Ph.D. is a renowned expert on male-female relationships as well as a respected Authority on the dynamics of personal success.
Different Kinds of Love
Now, about those love tanks. John says we experience (and need) different kinds of love at different stages of our lives. From ages 0-7 we get love from our parents; from age 7-13 it's fun with our friends and relatives. At 13-21 years we need love and acceptance from our peers. At ages 21-28 it's love from ourselves that's most important. At about the ages of 28-35 we look for love from a partner, and from 35-42 it's a dependent, like a child or pet, who gives us the love we want. After this point things change, and it's the love we give that becomes important. First it's community that we give to, usually at ages 42-49. From ages 49-56 that loves goes out into the world as a whole. And after age 56, it's God.
That's one of the things that John says happen when you get in touch with your soul's desire. "The knowledge and intuition to get it done comes into your mind.... when you take one step forward, God takes nine steps toward you." And be grateful for your bad feelings! They're your indicators that you're straying away from your soul's desire. "They only happen when you're off-track," John said.
Take Your Vitamins! John describes our need for each type of love as a "tank" and each type of love itself as a "vitamin" -- vitamins P (parents), F (fun), P2 (peers), S (self), P3 (partner), D (dependent), C (community), W (world) and G (you can figure that one out). It's important that we experience each kind of love at the prescribed time during our life. Otherwise, we develop a deficiency in that area that can cause us problems later on.
Vitamin Deficiency
For instance, marry in your 20s and you may feel a loss of vitamin S later on. If your parents give you too much responsibility too early in life, you may experience a lack of vitamin F. And if you have poor relations in your teens, it's vitamin P2 you may lack. Now, our tanks are almost always at different levels... and it's when we're full in one that we feel the emptiness in another. The good news in all this information about tanks and life stages and vitamins? We can always fill up our empty tanks ourselves. How? You can do it with the feeling letter!
Claiming Responsibility - Dr. Phil McGraw
It's an easy phrase to remember, but it can be a
difficult thing to do. It can be done, however.
Behavior = Consequences
"When you choose the behavior," according to
Dr. Phil, "you also choose the consequences."
You can't go back and make the "right" decision
— but you can "make the decision right." That
means finding a sense of pride and fulfillment in
your current situation. That's the happiness
you're searching for.
Contamination vs. Contribution
Partners in a relationship either contribute or
contaminate to what's happening between them.
There's no middle ground. If one partner is
unhappy, they begin to contaminate the
relationship with their negative feelings. Don't just
vent the pain on your partner and anyone else
who gets close enough.
The Symptom, Not the Cause
Anger is the symptom of problems — not the
cause. It's about hurt and pain and confusion and
looking for a way out.
So Go Ahead, Name It!
It all comes back to the statement "You've got to
name it before you can claim it." Happiness isn't
a goal. It's only a word that doesn't describe
much of anything in real-life terms. If you're stuck
in an unsatisfying life, ask yourself what would
make you happy? What are the details? What
are the specific things that make up your vision
of happiness? You can't achieve happiness, it's
too abstract a concept... but you can achieve the
things that will make you happy. But first, you've
got to name them.
Recipe for Healing
The Emotional Blocks
Blame, resentfulness and hate are symptoms of blocked anger. Depression, hopelessness and indifference originate in blocked sadness. Anxiety, doubt and jealousy are signs of blocked fear. And guilt, self-pity and unworthiness are related to blocked sorrow. Anger, sadness, fear and sorrow are "Healing emotions," says John. If they're felt and dealt with properly, they can be dissipated, clearing the way for feelings of understanding, forgiveness, gratitude, confidence, trust and love... as well as our soul's desire.
Feel It and Heal It
A lot of people think it's not okay to feel anger, sadness, fear and sorrow. But it's absolutely necessary. You can feel the blocked emotions of resentfulness, doubt, depression, etc. for the rest of your life. But the four Healing emotions can literally Heal your emotional wounds. Next time you find yourself upset about something, try this: ask yourself what you're angry about, what you're sad about, what you're afraid of and what you're sorry for. Write it down. The answers can remove the emotional blocks that have Held you back from greater happiness and personal success.
A Blast from the Past
Surprise -- you may also discover that what has you upset is related to something that happened years ago, even as far back as your childhood. This is important stuff to examine, and not for the purpose of placing blame for our lives on our parents and family members. Blame isn't what we're seeking to accomplish. Resolution and clearance of a block is.
John Gray's Emotional Blocks
If you're feeling hate, resentment and/or blame... Your Healing emotion is anger.
If you're feeling depression, hopelessness and/or indifference...Your Healing emotion is sadness
If you're feeling anxiety, doubt and/or jealousy...
Your Healing emotion is fear
If you're feeling guilt, self-pity and/or worthlessness...
Your Healing emotion is sorrow
When you write your feeling letter, start with your blocked emotions. Then, address the first Healing emotion, and then, continue on through the other three Healing emotions, always ending with sorrow.
For example. If you're feeling anxiety, write about what is causing the anxiety. Then, the first Healing emotion to address in your feeling letter is fear. Once you've written about that, continue by writing about anger, sadness and sorrow. Always end with sorrow.
Finally, write about the things you wish for, the things you're grateful for, and forgiveness.
______________________________________________________
Recipe for Expressing (poems of uplifting spirits)
PEACEFUL SLUMBER IN THE FORREST OF THE MIND.
Copyright October 1999
By Michael Levy Author poet Philosopher http://www.pointoflife.com
Listen! How sweet sings the breeze, merrily off trees,
whispering wonderment, the ear quietly it does please,
nurturing souls, drifting to Celestial splendor,
beauty unfolds, as into peaceful slumber, coils surrender.
Castles in the sky, growing columns of inspired aspiration,
silver shadows flowing through all generations,
warm cocoons of mortality, linked by silken threads,
webs of lives where comfort embeds.
Serenely rests the Head of time,
pillows puff by wisps of the sublime,
mellow moments spark a fusion sphere,
perfumed gardens alight, dancing nymphs are near.
Oh mindful forest flower, rivers many bridges cross,
branches leaved with neurons, invisible flakes of frost,
tender is the night, spirits lovingly caress,
sleep well my children, aware God will bless. M. L.
THE FLAME OF HOPE
Flashing lights of blue
Dark, wet road lit by yellow halo'd streetlights
Police cars, slowed to a crawl
SILENCE
The flame held aloft in pride,
a runner either side,
A man who's name I do not know
runs each step, supporting his gift,
And as it passes my spirit lifts
tears come to my eyes-
and for a moment my heart stops
as glorious peace fills my being,
and I realize just what I'm seeing
and my soul soars in hope.
Words come into my mind
'GOD GRANT US PEACE THROUGHOUT OUR WORLD
FOR THE FLAME OF HOPE WE'VE FOUND'.
Long after the flame has passed
deep joy abides inside
nothing will ever alter now
this message spread worldwide.
The meaning will never be lost on those
who watched it pass, for wherever it goes
this feeling emitted deep inside
is BEAUTY and JOY and INTENSE PRIDE
for the people who strive to better themselves
and the message is there for us all.
SPREAD JOY AND CARING,
LOVE AND SHARING,
AND KEEP THE FLAME ALIVE
FOREVER.
On seeing the Olympic flame this is what came to me, and maybe there are
words within this poem that will raise someone's spirit from the mundane and
give them HOPE.
Blessings and angel hugs
Marianne
Recipe for Love
Recipe For Lasting Love,
Written & submitted by Jaci Zwierchowski
Before mixing any ingredients discard all doubt
Step 1: Blend together 2 open Hearts gently
Step 2: Add large quantity of unspoken trust
Step 3: Reserve small portions of sweetness
Step 4: Cover lightly with tenderness
Step 5: Serve and keep warm with frequent embarrassing
(Caution: Too much of Step 3 can cause nausea)
IyanlaVanzant
Never again say you are divorced! From now on say you are willing and available to experience a _______________________ relationship. Everytime you think or say you are divorced/separated/Alone/by yourself, you create more of that experience. Never again say you are broke! You are temporarily low on or out of cash! Words create experience. When you say broke, the universe doesn't know you are referring to money, so it brings broke to you -- broken Heart, broken life, broken spirit.
Never again say struggle. Life is an Act of Faith! -- Struggle is optional! Your saving grace is the disappearance of urgency -- it causes wrinkles and fat! Be gentle with yourself. Be patient with yourself. Begin your search for love and life within.
Your Homework:
Write each of the following sentences 9 times a day for 9 days filling in the blanks with the first thing that comes to mind.
1. Today, I love myself because ________________________________
2. Today, what I will accept about myself is _____________________________
3. Today, what I believe about myself is ____________________________
4. Today, what I will offer to the world is ______________________________
Your Affirmation:
There is nothing to be Healed, only God to be revealed!
In The Meantime Be Blessed,Iyanla Vanzant
Who is the Beloved?
What's the first and last step of Iyanla's approach to experiencing love? Remember, repeat and believe that "You are the beloved." That's both easier and more difficult than it sounds because there are a lot of things that can get in the way of it: how you act and think about yourself, what kinds of lies you're in the habit of telling yourself, what you're hoping to find in a man, how you feel about your past relationships (or lack of them), and the things you believe are true. Let's get rid of those obstacles, starting with you.
Pick One
"Women fall into three different categories," Iyanla said. First, "The Martyr." She's concerned about him, what He thinks, what He wants, what He needs. When She does find a man, The Martyr is going to find He treats Her like one. "The Victim" lives to ask "Why me?" She's never found a good man, and when She does find one She recreates The Victim experience to prove that She was right all along. "The People Pleaser" makes everyone happy but Herself. Her man might be well taken care, but She soon finds out that She isn't!
Your Personal Lies
Regardless of which type of woman you are, we all tell ourselves some virulent personal lies that keep us from experiencing love - and we've got to eradicate them. You know the lies: All men are dogs, gay, married or in jail and you don't want the leftovers. No man's going to love you and your three kids. You're too fat/unattractive/unworthy/uneducated/fill-in-the-blank. We all have them. Oprah used to feel She couldn't have love while She was Heavy. Iyanla thought She couldn't do it until the kids grew up. Then one day She realized, "My goodness, I'm paying the rent and you're all having more sexual fun than I am!" What lies do you tell yourself?
Check Your Checklist
Maybe you've got a checklist of requirements that any man who's interested in you has to fulfill. He's got to be this, that and the other thing over there, too. Check that, okay? While it's a good idea to have a vision of what we're looking for, that vision should be about the experience we want in a relationship, NOT the physical qualities "He" has to have. And while you're making that list of what you want, start another: What are YOU willing to give? Remember: "As long as there's want, there's lack, and if there's lack that means you don't have it. You can't give what you don't have, and if you're not giving it, you can't receive it." Stop wanting, women - and start having!
Bless Your Past
Your past has a lot of influence on your future. Especially if there's some man back there who did you wrong. Give up your hate, disappointment and anger over him because those emotions are occupying a space that's meant to hold love, and two things can't exist in the same place. Instead, "Bless your past," Iyanla told more than a couple women in today's audience. "When you bless your past, you set yourself free." You also open up that space reserved for love. Reframe how you think about those old relationships. Think about what they taught you and name it in a positive way!
The Many Faces of Self-Hatred
Keep an eye out for self-hatred! It will sabotage any love that comes into your life and it wears "many hats and faces," according to Iyanla. Maybe you pick on yourself. Maybe you pick at the wounds of old relationships. Maybe you pick at the men who show up in your life. Maybe it's just "an empty feeling" you get at the end of the day. Whatever it is, send it packing! It may come back now and again, but Iyanla says, "in the meantime, I have to be gentle with myself, I have to nurture myself." Remember - you are the beloved!
Change Your Beliefs, Change Your Life
All these techniques work together with one goal in mind: changing your beliefs about yourself. Iyanla says that in order to make a positive change, the majority of your being has to buy into a new belief - that's a minimum of 51%. When it comes to men and love, "the only thing that shows up is what you believe about you." What do you believe? Are you the beloved? The sooner you really are, the sooner you really will be
It Came to Pass...
If you're in your twenties and you're sick over the loss of a man, Iyanla has a mantra just for you: "This too shall pass. It came to pass, but not to stay." It's possible -- Heck, it's downright necessary -- for you to feel bad and recover. As long as you don't go SOS (Stuck on Stupid, according to Iyanla) or get PMS (Poor Me Syndrome). You change your life by having the courage to feel bad, and knowing that you can, you will recover.
Are You Brave?
"Love is a risk only brave people take," says Iyanla. Most of us go into love feeling weak, lacking, flinchy and afraid to be hurt. If that's the case, what you're really doing is bargain shopping: bartering with your emotion and attachment in the hopes of striking a square deal. "Love is saying, 'Here I am, take all of me, and use the pieces you can.'" That's why love is a risk only brave people take, and when you can do that, Iyanla says, "We come away with a lot less pain and a lot more wisdom."
The Relanguage of Love
Though the weeks we've spent with Iyanla we've Heard Her mention "languaging" and "relanguaging" on many, many occasions. Today, She illustrated exactly what She means by those two terms. Often we say things are harder, lonelier, more terrible than they really are. And when we "language" things like that, they often become exactly what we call them. Instead, we need to "relanguage" ourselves. Here's how...
The Glossary of the Soul
One of the first entries in Iyanla's Glossary of the Soul is "Cancel Can't." Can't really means you're unable or unwilling, so be honest and just say so. Or, say that you are willing. Got a problem? No you don't -- you have a "divine opportunity." Problems mean you're powerless. Things aren't hard, they're "challenging," and you've got to be up for a challenge. "If you don't have a test," Iyanla told our audience, "you can't have a testimony." And don't you ever want anything -- "desire" it instead. "Desire means of the father, it has a divine connection."
Further Entries in the Glossary
There's more. You're not single. You're "ready to experience" a new love, a new side of yourself, a new life. And don't be broke, either. You're just "temporarily out of cash." It's all the broke people who end up brokenhearted -- and beside, you don't want to go on telling the universe that you're busted in any way, shape or form. You're not by yourself, you're "with yourself." The key, Iyanla said, is simple. "Wherever there are two or more gathered... That's me and myself, we're on it." And finally, don't be afraid. Just admit "I'm not clear." Afraid can stop you. Unclear can be... cleared up.
Recipe for Support
Dirt Keeps always...and can increase, but time spent caring for yourself and your family can slip away. Sometimes it's more rewarding to share a messy moment, than to have worked alone to clean.
Recipe for Parenting
DR. McGraw SIX-STEP PEACE PLAN
When you've made the "life decision" to never again fight in front of your children, Here's how to avoid the next one...
Step 1: Find a visual cue -- Dr. McGraw suggested holding up a card -- to signal that a fight is starting and it's time to nip it in the bug.
Step 2: If you’re going to have a discussion, take it some place private and conduct it hand-in-hand with your mate. "If you’re going to talk to the person in this world you’ve chosen to spend your life with... close the personal space and deal with them close and personal." Hold hands. It makes it easier to communicate, and much, much harder to argue.
Step 3: Take the word "anger" out of your vocabulary. Instead, replace it with one or more of the following: fear, hurt or frustration. Frustration are the three emotions that are always at the root of anger.(And remember -- don't use words like "steamed," "ticked off" or "P.O’ed" in place of "anger." Keep it on the big three.)
Step 4: Express your needs to your partner. No they probably don't know what they are. Be articulate. State you need plainly. Remain calm.
Step 5: Work the problem. Cooperation, not competition, is the idea Here, so take some time to calm down before finding a solution to the issue.
Step 6: Share a moment of peace to reaffirm your bond once a resolution or decision has been reached. This might be a silent, 60-second hug, or looking into one another’s eyes for a full minute.
By Rose DesRochers
Today we are speaking to Randi Rauh Tyler. Widowed in 1993, she began visiting chatrooms on the internet. This eventually led to her work with grief recovery online, assisting others in their own renewal. First in a partnership situation and then with her own website The work on the internet led to the creation of HARTS Angels. Now let's speak to Randi and hear more about the work she does online.
Rose: Hello Randi thank you for doing this interview with me. Could you tell us a little about yourself?
Randi Rauh Tyler: Thank you for having me. I come from a pretty diverse background and have been living in Arkansas since 96. I have been working in grief support since 1994. Of course the question is always asked, have you lost anyone? Yes, I have lost many, my mom, dad, husband and the list goes on. It is often easier for me to tell you who is living; I have two sons that were 15 & 10 when their dad died. I came to find support on the internet when it was still young, and grew with it finding a way to give back and remember all the love and keep it alive. I think each time a death occurred in my life I had to find a way to be the NEW me, the one that was left after the death. For me the renewal came when I started drawing my angels and writing the words that each one seemed to speak to me. I have probably spoken to over 5,000 people and shared with them my own grief and listened to theirs. That is a lot of love that is being kept alive in the lives of these people.
Rose: Now Randi you administrate several grief support groups, could you tell us about those and what made you start them?
Randi Rauh Tyler: That is a difficult question, it seems that I fell into administration side of the groups because when they were started the person needed a graphic or help setting up the webpage and they asked me. Then somehow they were unable to continue so I adopted the ring to be sure it remained intact. From these initial rings I created a few others because I saw the need to separate, moms from dads and children. I now have In Loving Memory of…, Remembering Mom, Remembering Dad, and HARTS Angels webrings that I administer. Remembering Mom was started by Dani after the loss of her mother. She was unable to continue and I took it over in April of 2000. I created Remembering Dad webring to compliment Remembering Mom. In Loving Memory of… was adopted not long after the owner was unable to continue. I created HARTS Angels webring to support the renewal of the spirit. Grief At Home website is where all the information I have gathered and learned is shared. I have resources for books and other groups there. HARTS Angels website was to give people a way to browse at 2am and still not feel alone.
Rose: Do you think it helps most people to talk about the person who died? If so, why?
Randi RauhTyler: Sharing the love you felt is the best way I know to keep that love alive. It is also the hardest thing you can do. Listen to someone in pain. The roar can be deafening, the cries for a loss are tears in your own soul. As we share our grief, we strengthen each other and the fabric of our life becomes stronger and more vivid with each healing stitch we find. You renew that love and find the NEW you after the loss.
Rose: What advice do you have for the person who just can't seem to get through their grief
Randi RauhTyler: You need to remember that you are cheating yourself and the memory of the person you lost by staying in grief. Dr. Phil McGraw said it wonderfully: There is power in forgiveness. Anger, hurt and resentment "are the things of which emotional prisons are made," said Dr. Phil. "And those prisons lock from the inside, not the outside." Forgiveness frees you. And the person you're forgiving doesn't have to acknowledge they're wrong or apologize. Don't forgive someone to make them feel better. Do it to make yourself feel better. It seems that we hold ourselves prisoners for thinking we SHOULD HAVE, COULD HAVE or WOULD HAVE. If we finally let go of this control we can see the love that is left that we can share. There are no lies in heaven, and your heart is known, you do not have to pick up grief everyday and say I shoulda, coulda, woulda, because you now have the power to do what will make your heart show that love again. The only thing you have control over is YOU during a change in your life.
Rose: Why do you think our sleep is disturbed after a major loss?
Randi Rauh Tyler: So many things that happen to us after a major loss, or even a minor one are NORMAL. We expect something to change, but we don’t really want the change. The body and the mind are not always intricately linked. The mind doesn’t always listen to the body if it is preoccupied. The mind becomes busy and we almost fear or look forward to dreams. We must first put away the fears that the dreams will bring pain or longing. Remembering the joy before we try to sleep will bring dreams of happiness and restful sleep that can help in the renewal of the body and the spirit. Myself, I do not sleep much anymore; I seem to survive on about 5 to 6 hours a night. I get caught up in trying to do one more thing before sleep. If you find yourself not sleeping as you did before, or sleeping too much, find someone to talk to first, and if you don’t seem to see a change in the pattern, you should seek professional help. You need to take care of yourself and find a rhythm for your life again after loss, if you don’t you open your body up to illness.
Rose: Do you find that most people you have talked to blame God after a loss, is this common and why?
Randi Rauh Tyler: Most people will blame ANYONE, not just God and this is very normal. It is that loss of control and after we are through blaming ourselves, the doctors, or anyone that was remotely attached to the loss; we look for the one person that should have had the answers, God. If God was in control, surely he would not take our loved one from us, but I don’t think God decides that, I think the love is always with us and we learn from each birth and death in our lives how to keep love alive. What happens to someone after death is unknown, we have glimpses in NDE (near death experience) but most people have problems with understanding. Faith is a strong tool in helping people deal with death. In today’s society we are relegated to three days of mourning and often do not have the strong faith necessary to sustain the question of afterlife.
Rose: Do you have any advice to help children deal with death.
Randi Rauh Tyler: Most children are unable to understand death. They know the person is not coming back (or so they have been told) but they do not have the maturity to understand “never”. They try to cure the sadness of those around them. Rather than understand this; people will often give them more responsibility, like telling a young boy, he will now have to be the man of the house after his father dies. Or a young girl, that she should care for the house after her mother dies. This is giving children guilt rather than help in understanding. Telling children they should be “strong” for a remaining parent or they need to be “good” after the death of a sibling only lets them believe they were somehow responsible. As a child matures, they should be able to ask the questions and be given real answers to death. The questions will change as they try to grasp one more concept. Keeping memories of the person that died and retelling the child of the life that they were a part of is what helps bring about the age (maturity) level of questions they will have. Always be honest, do not make the person a “saint” or a “sinner”, but a real person that loved them. Sharing with them your beliefs in an afterlife also helps them deal with the question of what happens to the soul.
Rose: Do you feel that someone who is grieving gets support from their family and friends and how can joining a group such as
remembering mom be beneficial after someone has experienced a loss.
Randi Rauh Tyler: People get support from family and friends to some degree, unfortunately after hearing “you have my sympathy” most people don’t hear sincere feelings, they hear “I’m glad it wasn’t me.” True empathy comes from people you don’t know on the internet. Those that have had the same type of loss provide a family relief. Two sisters that have lost a mother will have totally different views of what the mother was like, and how best to remember her. When joining a group like Remembering Mom they both can have the validation of their memory, and the love that the two shared. Families become unrealistic after a death; greed and who was loved best seem to overtake the memories. When you talk on the internet to others with the same loss as you, you begin to understand you are normal, and that the grief will not last forever, but the memories and the love can!
Rose: Are most of those who join your group women or have men joined to?
Randi Rauh Tyler: When I was hosting a chat group for Adults that had lost Parents, I had women and men join me. When I did a group called Widowed Kids, I found that both the boys and the girls struggled with parental loss, but approached it differently. I have a few men that have joined Remembering Mom but they don’t feel the need to talk as often. Generally they will talk to me, but don’t always share with the group. Men just grieve differently than women. I have an article on my website that is about the difference of men and women grieving “He said, She said” and I found that most women have a greater need to communicate and learn from others. Women have not always had to jump back into providing for others as men have, and most men would benefit from more sharing, but they must be ready to accept answers and not have the problem fixed. I would encourage both men and women to share more, and learn that they are both so normal, and it is a good thing to share the fears and hopes with others.
Rose: Based on your opinion Do you think children go through the stages of grieving the same way adults do?
Randi Rauh Tyler: Not at all. Having talked to many children, and then with their remaining parent, I see that the children are only taking small bites of the grief apple, only the ones that they can digest. They need a lot of encouragement to understand that as they grow, they will see the need to look again at the loss, and take a bigger bite. It may take years for a child to finally move through what are called the stages of grief because they can only handle what their maturity allows. With teenagers, parents must watch and realize that drugs, sex and alcohol are the major escapes from grief. The teenagers take these to excess quickly, but can be caught in a vicious cycle if they are not confronted and seek help. I would make an ongoing event of memory and remembrance for children as they face new changes in their lives. It can serve as a barometer to the parent to help a child share their fears and deal with loss.
Rose: I believe the process of grieving involves - denial, anger, depression, acceptance. What are your thoughts on this?
Randi Rauh Tyler: The five steps have a certain element of danger in them, people think they must cycle through them in order and will reach recovery in the end. You can go through those 5 steps over a dead car battery and reach an end. With the loss of a loved one, depending on how close you are to them, you go through a much longer and often more complex change. People think of it as recovery, or healing, but that is not what I see. You can and often will move back and forth between the stages and not get to acceptance or recovery. I modified these steps and created HARTS:
H - 1 - HURT - The Shock, numbness, denial and intense feelings when you find life has been forever changed. You can live in a fog of confusion with moments of acute awareness.
A - 2 - AWARE - Frustration, fear, anger and loneliness seem to overwhelm your life. You become aware that life has changed and the future will not be as you had planned.
R - 3 - RESOLVE - A time when guilt, envy of others that have not experienced your change seems to be heightened. You resolve some of the loss, and try to remove the obstacles to dealing with your emotions. The guilt of not feeling the initial intense feelings can move you back and trap you.
T - 4 - TIME - Time becomes the friend and the enemy. It is a time of reliving past hurts and giving way to judgments. You perceive each moment of not living through the changes as a reprieve.
S - 5 - SHARE - Renewal of the Spirit begins at this time when you begin to share and support others. You let go of the control over the choices that are not yours. I think people find this a better explanation of the grieving process and see the renewal as a new beginning rather than an end to grief.
Rose: Is religious belief an important aspect of coping with grief?
Randi Rauh Tyler: Yes and no, I know that is not definitive, but each person would have to answer that for themselves. A strong religious background can often help, but it can also hurt. Religion and faith can secure your belief in an afterlife, and that the person will be met again in spirit. However, if you do not have that initial background, or you find reason to turn your back on it, this can cripple you by suggesting you are not normal in the way you deal with grief. Many people question God as to the reason the person was taken in death, but this is not the faith talking, it is the grief. I took a long time before I could “go back to church” because I had issues to deal with. Faith for me was not the issue, but the “church” itself.
Rose: What would you say right now to someone who might already know that their parent is dieing?
Randi Rauh Tyler: Talk with them now, know what they want. Be ready to let go of their hand. There will never be a right time; you will always want one more day, one more hour. Don’t let the caretaking over take the caretaker. If you must be the one to make decisions, ask first if your parent has a preference. Write it down. Make a journal or special scrapbook and let your parents have input into its contents. This memory will be a legacy for them, and your children. Talk about the hard things, and LISTEN to what they say they want, don’t let your pre-grieving make the decisions.
Rose: Do you think that one can prepare themselves for death?
Randi Rauh Tyler: Death is a part of life and we sometimes want to hang onto that one more minute, even if we say we are through. People that commit suicide are not doing what they think is best for those around them; they are doing it because they do not want to face the trials yet to come in living. If you can be ready to die, first be sure you are ready to live! Death will come when it is suppose to, and living your life first is preparation for death. I would suggest a living will, and written down things that you feel best suit you. You are making memories every day for those that will remain after you are gone, so living your life with love is the best preparation for death!
Rose: Randi are you afraid of dieing?
Randi Rauh Tyler: I wouldn’t call it fear of dying, for me it’s just enough time to finish everything I wanted to do. This could be the reason I don’t sleep? I want so much to finish my drawings and make arrangements to have my website continued, I forget about what I just said about living. So I may have to take my own advice and start preparing by making the important memories live! Think I will give myself a break and visit my grandchildren this summer instead of working. Thank you for asking that question, I guess I never realized what I was trying to accomplish until now.
Rose: Now aside from your support groups you are also involved in the Animal Rescue League, tell us more about that.
Randi Rauh Tyler: ARL is a great organization. We are a 501© 3 Non-Profit and have approximately 135 dogs that have been rescued or abandoned. Send money or food, oops…sorry we are always in need of that. My part is small in comparison to Sue Bennett. She cares for all those dogs everyday. I do memorials and tend to the paperwork website and sometimes do lectures. And oddly enough, I sometimes help people with the grief they have over losing a pet. I live directly across the highway from Sue and having 9 dogs of my own (mostly beagles) we have our nightly dog chorus. On a full moon night we have dog wars, to see who will rein over the highway I think. I believe in Spay and Neuter, so that we will not have 135 dogs that need homes. ARL is doing its part for the neglected, abused and abandoned dogs of Arkansas County.
Rose: Randi thank you so much for doing this interview with me. Before we break where can people go to join your various groups.
Randi Rauh Tyler: May your angel hold your heart in warm and loving hands.
Grief At Home - http://www.griefathome.rrtstudios.com/
HARTS Angels - http://www.harts.rrtstudios.com/
Remembering Mom Webring - http://www.griefathome.rrtstudios.com/RMWebring.htm
Remembering Dad Webring - http://www.griefathome.rrtstudios.com/RDWebring.htm
HARTS Webring - http://www.harts.rrtstudios.com/HARTSAngelsRING.htm
In Loving Memory Of...Webring - http://www.griefathome.rrtstudios.com/InLovingMemoryOf.htm
Animal Rescue League - http://www.geocities.com/arlonline
About the Author
Rose DesRochers, Canada
admin@todays-woman.net
http://www.todays-woman.net
Rose is a published author and web columnist from Canada Ontario and she is also the founder of Today's Woman a community for men and women over 18, where writers/poets/columnists meet and exchange ideas, contest, rate and review and help each other succeed in the writing industry.
The Professional information Here was taken from the Oprah Winfrey "Change Your Life" shows and can be seen at the following site
